Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
