Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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