Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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