My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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