sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
