The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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