miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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