he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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