my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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