we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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