textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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