no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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