i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
