the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
