WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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