You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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