My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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