I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Shame - the story of my life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
