is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
