I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
