so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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