Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
