u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
