we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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