Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
