i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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