How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
