paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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