I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
