Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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