Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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