You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
