New invention idea: vibrating tampons
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
