im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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