I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
