Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
