so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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