Quick, to the slutcave!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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