I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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