the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
