there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
