walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
