No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
