if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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