Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
