I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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