Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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