Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
