Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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