Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
