I think I am morally bankrupt
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
